Over the last few years, I’ve been finding myself ruminating on the idea of friendship. Friendships lost along the way, some that had faded into a shadow of what they used to be and yet others that began and ended abruptly. It has been a recurring theme in the library of my mind, so I thought to put some of these thoughts together and share them with you. I did it on a video earlier this week and will now put it in writing.

What does friendship mean to you? Is it something you stumble upon, or one that you take time and effort to forge? I’ve always believed in taking it easy when it comes to relating to others. Going with the flow. Sometimes it is easy to click with someone and get close quickly, other times you meet someone new and get along but don’t scratch far below the surface. Lines may blur between friendship and acquaintance or shift back and forth depending on how often you talk and how deep you dig in.

One of the reasons I’ve been thinking about friendship lately is that my lifestyle has changed quite a bit over the last few years. I have met so many people in a short span of time. People who travel a lot, work in different locations and are often only stationed in one place for a few years at a time. It made me realize how easily I can forge new friendships. I used to be more of a slow burn. Took time to study people and decide if and how they fit in my life. Once that stamp was on, there was no turning back…or so I thought!

Over the years, friendships I would once describe as close have faded into either a form of acquaintance, shared history or simply non-existent. I’ll admit some of that would bother me. Because interacting with such friends would have to change after the nature of the friendship changes, and it wasn’t always easy to figure out. How not to be so familiar, what boundaries to set, or if it was easier to play pretend, like it’s a back to old times until they are out of sight.

A funny thing about friendship is that the parties involved may see it through a different lens. From childhood, I would gravitate towards certain people and spend majority of my time with them. Naturally, that interaction would start to establish itself as a friendship. I would never really think of qualifying it in terms of hierarchy. You know, best friends and so on. But somehow these labels were stamped on me by my friends or outsiders looking in. Maybe it’s the age-old human tendency to pair and form groups. An instinctive part of us that lingers on from our ancestors survival days in the bush. I would go along with it, but always wondered why people had a need to distinguish the degree of closeness in a friendship to themselves and to the public. I always had more than one close friend. Never (well…mostly) a favourite or preferred one. Different people connect with different aspects of us, and I found that each friend fulfilled or stimulated an aspect of me and my world that was often not shared with the other.

Friendships informed my experience of spaces. I didn’t socialise much with the kids in my neighbourhood. This gave me a (not so flattering) reputation of being a snob as I later learned from a school friend who knew my neighbour. My friendships in school were enough to fill that social void we all have. At least most of us anyway. When home, I preferred to keep to myself and do things I enjoyed solo. Like processing the events of my day and I suppose recover, from all the socialising!

A few years ago, there was an opportunity for my husband and I to move countries. To a continent I had never visited, albeit a city that had always been in my bucket list of dream destinations. So this move brought about feelings of excitement at the novelty of living away from my comfort zone and a sense of adventure. But this period was also laced with apprehension on what my social life would look like. After all, I had established so many friendships over my 30 plus years in Nairobi. How could I keep those up when my primary mode of socialisation is in-person meetings? How easy would it be to make new friends in a big European city? I later came up with activities to get into that might put me in a position to meet like-minded folk, as a solution to this conundrum. However, when 2020 happened and the plan was thwarted, I noticed in me a stronger sense of relief to have more time in Nairobi, my comfort zone.

What I now know, having learned a lot from the events of over 2 years since, is how unpredictable not just life, but friendships are. I have met so many incredible people, and continue to. I have also lost friends, one to a tragic incident, and some old friendships have slowly, gently unraveled to become an idea more rooted in the past than present.   

So what’s in a friendship? Is it constant presence? Is it being there through the tough times? Is it celebrating each other’s wins? Is it aiding in each other’s growth? Is it providing a good time and much needed laughter?

Is the measure of value in a friendship, its longevity or utility?

This is my take on what makes a good, sometimes great friendship.

Mutual Respect: I‘ve learnt that friends who are genuinely curious about who I am and respect my perspective and choices, regardless of differences are gems. We can have debates centred on asserting our views while trying to put ourselves in each others’ shoes. Sometimes we might be convinced to change our minds when they put up stronger argument. In a mutually respectful friendship, we are equals.

Presence: Life has a way of taking over and sometimes priorities dictate that we focus more on work and, or family. In those cases, physical presence in friendships takes the back burner. But balance is key in such scenarios.

One of my love languages is quality time; texts and calls hardly count as such. I’m truly present when in physical proximity to people. Sometimes our close friendships shift because of this physical presence. Those who stay closer tend to be more in touch with what is going on in our day to day lives; challenges we are facing and seeing and celebrating the small wins.

That’s camaraderie! sharing in the ebbs and flows of life. Close friendships can have breaks and return to their old glory but presence plays a big role in ensuring that.

Growth Mindset: I am big on learning! Call me a lifetime learner. There’s a lesson in every corner we turn, in the mistakes we make, in trying new things or considering new perspectives. I love to have friendships that nurture the curious side of me. I enjoy the company of fellow curious people as they are constantly presenting me with new ideas and perspectives, which make life not just better but much more interesting.

Laughter: This might as well have been the first. I have a strong fondness for people who make me laugh or who love to laugh. I chase laughter to the point of finding some dry jokes funny or conjuring humour in everyday things. Let’s be honest, to get through life’s twists and turns, laughter is quite the cheap medicine. We have to save those coins wherever we can. Some of my most painful losses of friendship have involved people I associated strongly with laughter. Those are not easy to let go of.

Good Listeners: I can talk your ears off! So keep a distance if you are averse to constant chatter. I learnt that talking things through really helps my mental process. I like to marinate on an idea, toss it around, inside out and upside down. A good listener is one who listens and even helps me through the web to find more clarity in my thoughts. Hopefully I can take a beat and listen to my friends too, because we all love a good listener.

Honesty and Forthrightness: No big or little lies, just to keep things comfortable. I would rather be around people who tell it to me straight, so I don’t have to guess or jump into conclusions. Hard truths are better to face than living in denial, and better to have a friend who’s blunt than an expert ‘’sugar-coater” who never really gets to the crux of things.

Difficult conversations are necessary to build depth and real foundations for friendship. None of us can read minds. But I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t always speak up, unless I feel comfortable enough in the friendship. Maybe that is something to work on.

Kindness: Goes without saying...this is fundamentally important in all forms of human interaction. Not to be confused with niceness which may be laced in dishonesty?

There’s a lot more I could list here but these come to mind. I am now in a place where I know friendships are in abundance rather than a scarcity. Sometimes the end of one friendship can be the beginning of a new and beautiful one. I’ve learnt to let go in love and gratitude, and embrace the new. Knowing it might last, or fade but it will surely leave a mark and teach me something new, or reinforce a lesson I still needed to make concrete.

So let us toast to friendships and their pivotal role in our lives! After all, we humans are primarily social beings.