Friendship

Over the last few years, I’ve been finding myself ruminating on the idea of friendship. Friendships lost along the way, some that had faded into a shadow of what they used to be and yet others that began and ended abruptly. It has been a recurring theme in the library of my mind, so I thought to put some of these thoughts together and share them with you. I did it on a video earlier this week and will now put it in writing.

What does friendship mean to you? Is it something you stumble upon, or one that you take time and effort to forge? I’ve always believed in taking it easy when it comes to relating to others. Going with the flow. Sometimes it is easy to click with someone and get close quickly, other times you meet someone new and get along but don’t scratch far below the surface. Lines may blur between friendship and acquaintance or shift back and forth depending on how often you talk and how deep you dig in.

One of the reasons I’ve been thinking about friendship lately is that my lifestyle has changed quite a bit over the last few years. I have met so many people in a short span of time. People who travel a lot, work in different locations and are often only stationed in one place for a few years at a time. It made me realize how easily I can forge new friendships. I used to be more of a slow burn. Took time to study people and decide if and how they fit in my life. Once that stamp was on, there was no turning back…or so I thought!

Over the years, friendships I would once describe as close have faded into either a form of acquaintance, shared history or simply non-existent. I’ll admit some of that would bother me. Because interacting with such friends would have to change after the nature of the friendship changes, and it wasn’t always easy to figure out. How not to be so familiar, what boundaries to set, or if it was easier to play pretend, like it’s a back to old times until they are out of sight.

A funny thing about friendship is that the parties involved may see it through a different lens. From childhood, I would gravitate towards certain people and spend majority of my time with them. Naturally, that interaction would start to establish itself as a friendship. I would never really think of qualifying it in terms of hierarchy. You know, best friends and so on. But somehow these labels were stamped on me by my friends or outsiders looking in. Maybe it’s the age-old human tendency to pair and form groups. An instinctive part of us that lingers on from our ancestors survival days in the bush. I would go along with it, but always wondered why people had a need to distinguish the degree of closeness in a friendship to themselves and to the public. I always had more than one close friend. Never (well…mostly) a favourite or preferred one. Different people connect with different aspects of us, and I found that each friend fulfilled or stimulated an aspect of me and my world that was often not shared with the other.

Friendships informed my experience of spaces. I didn’t socialise much with the kids in my neighbourhood. This gave me a (not so flattering) reputation of being a snob as I later learned from a school friend who knew my neighbour. My friendships in school were enough to fill that social void we all have. At least most of us anyway. When home, I preferred to keep to myself and do things I enjoyed solo. Like processing the events of my day and I suppose recover, from all the socialising!

A few years ago, there was an opportunity for my husband and I to move countries. To a continent I had never visited, albeit a city that had always been in my bucket list of dream destinations. So this move brought about feelings of excitement at the novelty of living away from my comfort zone and a sense of adventure. But this period was also laced with apprehension on what my social life would look like. After all, I had established so many friendships over my 30 plus years in Nairobi. How could I keep those up when my primary mode of socialisation is in-person meetings? How easy would it be to make new friends in a big European city? I later came up with activities to get into that might put me in a position to meet like-minded folk, as a solution to this conundrum. However, when 2020 happened and the plan was thwarted, I noticed in me a stronger sense of relief to have more time in Nairobi, my comfort zone.

What I now know, having learned a lot from the events of over 2 years since, is how unpredictable not just life, but friendships are. I have met so many incredible people, and continue to. I have also lost friends, one to a tragic incident, and some old friendships have slowly, gently unraveled to become an idea more rooted in the past than present.   

So what’s in a friendship? Is it constant presence? Is it being there through the tough times? Is it celebrating each other’s wins? Is it aiding in each other’s growth? Is it providing a good time and much needed laughter?

Is the measure of value in a friendship, its longevity or utility?

This is my take on what makes a good, sometimes great friendship.

Mutual Respect: I‘ve learnt that friends who are genuinely curious about who I am and respect my perspective and choices, regardless of differences are gems. We can have debates centred on asserting our views while trying to put ourselves in each others’ shoes. Sometimes we might be convinced to change our minds when they put up stronger argument. In a mutually respectful friendship, we are equals.

Presence: Life has a way of taking over and sometimes priorities dictate that we focus more on work and, or family. In those cases, physical presence in friendships takes the back burner. But balance is key in such scenarios.

One of my love languages is quality time; texts and calls hardly count as such. I’m truly present when in physical proximity to people. Sometimes our close friendships shift because of this physical presence. Those who stay closer tend to be more in touch with what is going on in our day to day lives; challenges we are facing and seeing and celebrating the small wins.

That’s camaraderie! sharing in the ebbs and flows of life. Close friendships can have breaks and return to their old glory but presence plays a big role in ensuring that.

Growth Mindset: I am big on learning! Call me a lifetime learner. There’s a lesson in every corner we turn, in the mistakes we make, in trying new things or considering new perspectives. I love to have friendships that nurture the curious side of me. I enjoy the company of fellow curious people as they are constantly presenting me with new ideas and perspectives, which make life not just better but much more interesting.

Laughter: This might as well have been the first. I have a strong fondness for people who make me laugh or who love to laugh. I chase laughter to the point of finding some dry jokes funny or conjuring humour in everyday things. Let’s be honest, to get through life’s twists and turns, laughter is quite the cheap medicine. We have to save those coins wherever we can. Some of my most painful losses of friendship have involved people I associated strongly with laughter. Those are not easy to let go of.

Good Listeners: I can talk your ears off! So keep a distance if you are averse to constant chatter. I learnt that talking things through really helps my mental process. I like to marinate on an idea, toss it around, inside out and upside down. A good listener is one who listens and even helps me through the web to find more clarity in my thoughts. Hopefully I can take a beat and listen to my friends too, because we all love a good listener.

Honesty and Forthrightness: No big or little lies, just to keep things comfortable. I would rather be around people who tell it to me straight, so I don’t have to guess or jump into conclusions. Hard truths are better to face than living in denial, and better to have a friend who’s blunt than an expert ‘’sugar-coater” who never really gets to the crux of things.

Difficult conversations are necessary to build depth and real foundations for friendship. None of us can read minds. But I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t always speak up, unless I feel comfortable enough in the friendship. Maybe that is something to work on.

Kindness: Goes without saying...this is fundamentally important in all forms of human interaction. Not to be confused with niceness which may be laced in dishonesty?

There’s a lot more I could list here but these come to mind. I am now in a place where I know friendships are in abundance rather than a scarcity. Sometimes the end of one friendship can be the beginning of a new and beautiful one. I’ve learnt to let go in love and gratitude, and embrace the new. Knowing it might last, or fade but it will surely leave a mark and teach me something new, or reinforce a lesson I still needed to make concrete.

So let us toast to friendships and their pivotal role in our lives! After all, we humans are primarily social beings.

Hindsight’s 2020: Lessons I learnt in my 20s

Lessons I learnt in my 20s video

I recently shared a video on YouTube where I talked about the life lessons I learnt in my 20s. That decade was marked by a lot of unraveling and restructuring. I teethed in one thing and bloomed in another, it seemed as though a surprise was always waiting around the corner. The video was a summary, so figured I’d share the little gems collected along the way in greater detail.

Late last year, after moving to a new apartment, an old friend came to visit and catch up. We hadn’t seen each other in a while, so a lot had happened. For some reason, the conversation drifted off to the challenges she was facing and I shared mine even if in retrospect. We laughed to hysterics because all those Kiswahili language lessons, methali (wise sayings) by the wahenga (sages) finally made sense! Not just logically, but you could relate lived experiences to the existence of these proverbs or sayings.

With that said, this blog will be some kind of walk down memory lane. Back to Kiswahili class with all those cryptic statements we had to remember, quote and decipher in exams. Except this time with hindsight.

No regrets: there’s a lesson in every experience

‘Maji yakimwagika, hayazoleki’ = ‘Don’t cry over spilled milk’

You probably will go through some difficult times, it could be in your personal or professional life. Some of these negative experiences might go on for a long period of time because of the choices you make. To stay or to leave. When you finally choose to leave unhealthy spaces don’t beat yourself up for not doing it sooner. You are almost always doing the best you can with what you have.

No point in regretting your choices when you can use them as lessons for future scenarios. It might seem easier said than done but it’s a more productive attitude. By the time you fully recognise your worth, the lesson sticks.

Changing or evolving is a good thing

You’ve probably heard this statement more times than you can count. But clichés are clichés for a reason. The truth is even in times like this with prolonged periods of staying indoors, it starts to feel like life is not moving as fast as it should. As long as you’re living in awareness and making deliberate choices on a daily basis, you’ll notice that things have been shifting. Each day is a little different from the last.

Many people had plans for 2020 that they had to let go of or postpone. A lot had to change as soon as the World Health Organisation announced that Covid-19 was a global pandemic.

As you grow, you learn new things about yourself, your surroundings and you develop new interests. Change comes in different ways, some of them painful others uncomfortable, but often the results are worth the inconvenience. The more invested you are in adding value to yourself, the more you morph into a better version of yourself. So embrace change and make the most of it!

Learn to have difficult conversations

This lesson was further reinforced for me quite recently. I had collaborated with a friend on a project and though parts of the outcome were excellent, the process grew rather unpleasant. After a long period of complete silence from them and my need to address it. It emerged that there were aspects of my method that they essentially disagreed with. Unfortunately, the radio silence created a feeling of hostility from them and bred annoyance on my part. It got me thinking about how important it is to address an issue as soon as it emerges, not waiting too long. This applies to all interactions with people whether romantic, platonic or professional.

Though some might consider this act confrontational, it’s actually just as harmful if not worse to allow it to fester into something more than it actually is. Quite often, confronting a problem sooner than later creates room for discussion and clarity. It helps to build more understanding and find common ground.

As much as it could cause discomfort, it is smarter to sort things out instead of ignoring them, hoping they will go away. It’s also a way to stand up for yourself and manage expectations.

You become more like your parents!

When I was a teenager you could never have convinced me that I would be having a cup of tea several times a day. That getting home from work to make myself a cuppa would be something I would look forward to. Growing up, my parents often had a cup of chai after dinner, and I thought it was the funniest ‘old people’ thing! Fast forward to me trying different recipes and frequenting my friend’s restaurant just to satisfy a craving for his delicious cardamom tea.

Now you will find an assortment of teabags in my kitchen which are a part of my night-time routine. I stock up on fresh ginger and turmeric to make some satisfying, calming Ayurvedic chai too! Just typing this has my mouth watering. Good thing it’s cold outside. I can cosy up to a nice little cuppa with no guilt whatsoever.

Protect your peace of mind and choose happiness

When you find yourself in spaces or among people who steal your joy, make you second-guess your value as a person, or lose sleep. There is no reason why you should waste your time or energy entertaining that. Toxic people and environments are like a cancer that spreads throughout your system, sometimes slowly and anonymously, other times fast and deadly. By the time you are aware of what is happening you are already suffering mentally, physically or emotionally. There is also the side effect of mirroring the behaviour of those around you, lashing out and fostering negative patterns. To look inward and fix your own imperfections and find healing, you have to get out of situations that tend to bring out the worst in you.

There’s a pattern to the madness

When life seems chaotic and there’s no sense to the things happening to you and around you, it’s often difficult to see beyond that point in time.

When you start a career and feel like you’re not exactly where you hope to be, there are pieces of the puzzle missing that you will find along the way. If you make the most of what you have, the loose ends eventually tie up. Skills and experiences that you think will loose value often come in handy when you least expect it. I encourage everyone in their 20s to grab the opportunities that come your way, because you never know when and in what way the payoff will come. It hardly ever gets wasted and is often worth it in the end.

It’s alright to say no

It’s not just OK to say no, it’s often the kinder thing to do. If someone asks you for something, invites you to a party and you’re not keen…find a polite way to say no. If you truly feel incapable of delivering according to expectation, or you’re simply not interested in a proposal be honest about it. Saying no saves not just your time but that of everyone else involved. It cuts a lot of red tape and makes life easier for everyone. So next time you find yourself bending over backwards, getting overwhelmed or falling into old patterns of saying yes even when you don’t mean it, try saying no and see how much lighter your load will be. Then you can focus your time and energy on things that actually matter to you.

Keep the kid in you alive

We all have that part of us that remains childlike, not to be confused with childish. That innocent, sweet, honest(even to a fault) part of us that hasn’t been tainted by the ‘big bad world’. The part of us that sings in the shower, dances around the house, finds joy in cute little things like ladybirds and pretty flowers unexpectedly popping out of a rugged bush. That innate child in us, I find is where the true depth of happiness, vulnerability and peace reside. Getting older does not mean loosing that colour, curiosity and sense of adventure. I had lost my inner child for a little while and boy did I miss her!

“Be fearless in the pursuit of what sets your soul on fire”

— Jennifer Lee

Do it afraid

Kupoteza njia ndio kujua njia= Practise makes perfect

Anything you can or would do given the chance is worth a shot. Even if you are scared of failure, or not being as good as others in the same field you have to start. You owe it to yourself to find out if it’s worth your while, and the only way to know for sure is if you give it everything you’ve got. A lot of people who have done notable things in the world started from zero. They had to be beginners, before they became gurus. So be graceful towards yourself, even if you fall flat on your face you’ll be proud of the fact that you tried.

If you choose to pursue something else, there won’t be a nagging question in your mind of ‘what if’. You’ll know that you gave it your best shot and it’s okay to let it go. But there’s a good chance that it will lead to a path far greater than you could have ever imagined and all you had to do was start.

These are some of the lessons I learnt which could shed some light for those who are still trying to figure out this wonderful thing called life. I would be lying if I said that you ever truly figure it all out. But you do get better and you know more as time goes by. 'Kuishi kwingi ni kuona mengi’ (experience comes with age/time)

Share some of the lessons you have learnt so far, be it in your teens, 20s, 30s, 40s and proverbs, sayings or methali that made sense to you as you grew older! Many of these lessons are universal and we all learn them at different points in our lives.

Here’s to growth in the journey called life! 🥂