Friendship

Over the last few years, I’ve been finding myself ruminating on the idea of friendship. Friendships lost along the way, some that had faded into a shadow of what they used to be and yet others that began and ended abruptly. It has been a recurring theme in the library of my mind, so I thought to put some of these thoughts together and share them with you. I did it on a video earlier this week and will now put it in writing.

What does friendship mean to you? Is it something you stumble upon, or one that you take time and effort to forge? I’ve always believed in taking it easy when it comes to relating to others. Going with the flow. Sometimes it is easy to click with someone and get close quickly, other times you meet someone new and get along but don’t scratch far below the surface. Lines may blur between friendship and acquaintance or shift back and forth depending on how often you talk and how deep you dig in.

One of the reasons I’ve been thinking about friendship lately is that my lifestyle has changed quite a bit over the last few years. I have met so many people in a short span of time. People who travel a lot, work in different locations and are often only stationed in one place for a few years at a time. It made me realize how easily I can forge new friendships. I used to be more of a slow burn. Took time to study people and decide if and how they fit in my life. Once that stamp was on, there was no turning back…or so I thought!

Over the years, friendships I would once describe as close have faded into either a form of acquaintance, shared history or simply non-existent. I’ll admit some of that would bother me. Because interacting with such friends would have to change after the nature of the friendship changes, and it wasn’t always easy to figure out. How not to be so familiar, what boundaries to set, or if it was easier to play pretend, like it’s a back to old times until they are out of sight.

A funny thing about friendship is that the parties involved may see it through a different lens. From childhood, I would gravitate towards certain people and spend majority of my time with them. Naturally, that interaction would start to establish itself as a friendship. I would never really think of qualifying it in terms of hierarchy. You know, best friends and so on. But somehow these labels were stamped on me by my friends or outsiders looking in. Maybe it’s the age-old human tendency to pair and form groups. An instinctive part of us that lingers on from our ancestors survival days in the bush. I would go along with it, but always wondered why people had a need to distinguish the degree of closeness in a friendship to themselves and to the public. I always had more than one close friend. Never (well…mostly) a favourite or preferred one. Different people connect with different aspects of us, and I found that each friend fulfilled or stimulated an aspect of me and my world that was often not shared with the other.

Friendships informed my experience of spaces. I didn’t socialise much with the kids in my neighbourhood. This gave me a (not so flattering) reputation of being a snob as I later learned from a school friend who knew my neighbour. My friendships in school were enough to fill that social void we all have. At least most of us anyway. When home, I preferred to keep to myself and do things I enjoyed solo. Like processing the events of my day and I suppose recover, from all the socialising!

A few years ago, there was an opportunity for my husband and I to move countries. To a continent I had never visited, albeit a city that had always been in my bucket list of dream destinations. So this move brought about feelings of excitement at the novelty of living away from my comfort zone and a sense of adventure. But this period was also laced with apprehension on what my social life would look like. After all, I had established so many friendships over my 30 plus years in Nairobi. How could I keep those up when my primary mode of socialisation is in-person meetings? How easy would it be to make new friends in a big European city? I later came up with activities to get into that might put me in a position to meet like-minded folk, as a solution to this conundrum. However, when 2020 happened and the plan was thwarted, I noticed in me a stronger sense of relief to have more time in Nairobi, my comfort zone.

What I now know, having learned a lot from the events of over 2 years since, is how unpredictable not just life, but friendships are. I have met so many incredible people, and continue to. I have also lost friends, one to a tragic incident, and some old friendships have slowly, gently unraveled to become an idea more rooted in the past than present.   

So what’s in a friendship? Is it constant presence? Is it being there through the tough times? Is it celebrating each other’s wins? Is it aiding in each other’s growth? Is it providing a good time and much needed laughter?

Is the measure of value in a friendship, its longevity or utility?

This is my take on what makes a good, sometimes great friendship.

Mutual Respect: I‘ve learnt that friends who are genuinely curious about who I am and respect my perspective and choices, regardless of differences are gems. We can have debates centred on asserting our views while trying to put ourselves in each others’ shoes. Sometimes we might be convinced to change our minds when they put up stronger argument. In a mutually respectful friendship, we are equals.

Presence: Life has a way of taking over and sometimes priorities dictate that we focus more on work and, or family. In those cases, physical presence in friendships takes the back burner. But balance is key in such scenarios.

One of my love languages is quality time; texts and calls hardly count as such. I’m truly present when in physical proximity to people. Sometimes our close friendships shift because of this physical presence. Those who stay closer tend to be more in touch with what is going on in our day to day lives; challenges we are facing and seeing and celebrating the small wins.

That’s camaraderie! sharing in the ebbs and flows of life. Close friendships can have breaks and return to their old glory but presence plays a big role in ensuring that.

Growth Mindset: I am big on learning! Call me a lifetime learner. There’s a lesson in every corner we turn, in the mistakes we make, in trying new things or considering new perspectives. I love to have friendships that nurture the curious side of me. I enjoy the company of fellow curious people as they are constantly presenting me with new ideas and perspectives, which make life not just better but much more interesting.

Laughter: This might as well have been the first. I have a strong fondness for people who make me laugh or who love to laugh. I chase laughter to the point of finding some dry jokes funny or conjuring humour in everyday things. Let’s be honest, to get through life’s twists and turns, laughter is quite the cheap medicine. We have to save those coins wherever we can. Some of my most painful losses of friendship have involved people I associated strongly with laughter. Those are not easy to let go of.

Good Listeners: I can talk your ears off! So keep a distance if you are averse to constant chatter. I learnt that talking things through really helps my mental process. I like to marinate on an idea, toss it around, inside out and upside down. A good listener is one who listens and even helps me through the web to find more clarity in my thoughts. Hopefully I can take a beat and listen to my friends too, because we all love a good listener.

Honesty and Forthrightness: No big or little lies, just to keep things comfortable. I would rather be around people who tell it to me straight, so I don’t have to guess or jump into conclusions. Hard truths are better to face than living in denial, and better to have a friend who’s blunt than an expert ‘’sugar-coater” who never really gets to the crux of things.

Difficult conversations are necessary to build depth and real foundations for friendship. None of us can read minds. But I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t always speak up, unless I feel comfortable enough in the friendship. Maybe that is something to work on.

Kindness: Goes without saying...this is fundamentally important in all forms of human interaction. Not to be confused with niceness which may be laced in dishonesty?

There’s a lot more I could list here but these come to mind. I am now in a place where I know friendships are in abundance rather than a scarcity. Sometimes the end of one friendship can be the beginning of a new and beautiful one. I’ve learnt to let go in love and gratitude, and embrace the new. Knowing it might last, or fade but it will surely leave a mark and teach me something new, or reinforce a lesson I still needed to make concrete.

So let us toast to friendships and their pivotal role in our lives! After all, we humans are primarily social beings.

Ol Pejeta: Meeting ‘Oscar the Chimp’ (Part 2)

Oscar the Chimp, a great actor as his name suggests 😉

One of the highlights of our trip to Ol Pejeta was finding out that within its walls lies the Sweetwaters Chimpanzee Sanctuary! Having known for a while that Chimpanzees and Gorillas are not endemic to Kenya, it was a pleasant surprise to learn that our closest genetic relatives are sheltered in this conservancy.

As Homo Sapiens, we’re linked to Great Apes like Chimpanzees and Gorillas: with a mere 2% difference between our genetic make-up and that of the chimps. In fact, it remains debatable if we humans, of the genus Homo, are part of the ‘Great Apes’ subfamily.

I’m fascinated by just how alike we are to them. More so because growing up, we lived just outside the eastern edge of Karura Forest. Being in such close proximity to the monkeys’ home meant all the residents of our estate had to live in harmony with them. They visited often, sometimes more than once a day.

On weekends, my sisters and I would watch them play, eat, relax and groom each other. It was incredibly captivating to notice the similarity in their movements to ours. How they peeled a banana and delicately held it before taking a bite. How much their hands looked like ours, up to the shape of their fingernails. The only major physical differences were the thick fur that covers most of their skin and the peculiarity of their facial features. And even with all these similarities, monkeys are far from being described as our close relatives, the only classification we both fall under is the larger primate family.

Two Chimps watch us from a safe distance

After circling around the park for a few hours and timing it so we could catch the opening of the chimpanzee sanctuary, we weaved our way back for the novel experience that none of us had anticipated.

Past the parking lot was about a 100m gap between us and the fence behind which about five chimps sat. They observed us as we did them, with slight apprehension and keen interest. At this point our excursion had turned into a walking tour, so it made sense to create distance between us and the wildlife. Besides that, we had to keep our masks on to avoid infecting them with the ongoing global virus, as they are highly susceptible to human diseases.

What we did not expect was a human-size cage in the middle of the path we took to watch them in their natural habitat. The Human Cage was a first for all of us. We couldn’t help but ask why such a thing was necessary given the high electric fence, surrounding the enclosure where the chimps were. Our tour guide quickly confirmed that the cage was in fact meant for us in case one of the very clever ones escaped! We were to run for dear life and lock ourselves in, in such a scenario, and be rest assured that it was fortified to withstand the strength of a full grown chimpanzee. An adult Chimp is said to have five or six times the strength of a human being.

Right then I felt the urge to walk back to safety and be content with watching them in documentaries alone. But we had come so far, and chances were that the worst was unlikely to happen. So we walked along hoping we wouldn’t stray too far from the cage.

Our guide at the Sanctuary, and one of the signs lining the path

The Sweetwaters Chimpanzee Sanctuary was set up as a joint effort between Ol Pejeta Conservancy, Kenya Wildlife Service and the Jane Goodall Institute. A respite for chimps orphaned by hunters who killed their mothers for ‘bush meat’. Baby chimps were taken in as pets and as they grew up and gained strength, some would be paraded in the streets for human amusement. Hearing stories of how terribly cruel some of their previous owners were really breaks your heart.

One of them was confined to a small cage for 20 years, stunting his growth and rendering him to only stand and sit as humans do. Loosing all ability to use his hind legs for climbing trees as other chimps do. When living in the wild, chimpanzees usually make nests on treetops as a nighttime retreat that protects them from nocturnal predators.

At the end of the fenced area on one side of the river, we met Oscar the loner. When chimps come of age, younger males often fight the older patriarch to take charge of the community. They challenge the current leader to a duel and the best man wins, pushing the loser into the margins of society. This was Oscar’s fate. As he got older a younger chimp challenged him for power and leadership. When he was defeated he retreated to a loner’s life, keeping his distance from the rest of the chimps even during meal times.

Oscar is quite the character. He stayed within view and sometimes vaguely glanced our way or mimicked a face-palm when we called his name. Sometimes he would feign disinterest by looking away or act a little sad. The guide told us he was putting up a performance for our benefit. He was otherwise perfectly fine with his current circumstance.

Hammocks to keep the Chimps cosy during nap time

The chimps have a sweet setup at Ol Pejeta: hammocks built for their comfort and man-made rock formations laden with honey to remind them of their natural hunting ways. The conservancy cares for them as they overcome trauma whilst training them to survive in the wild, where they’ll eventually be freed to fend for themselves. Some interesting tidbits about chimps are that they can’t swim and are awfully clever. Female chimps tend to be smarter. In the past, one such female had devised a trick to break the circuit on the electric fence and ushered the others to escape. A fitting use-case for the human cage.

At the end of our tour, we walked through a small open room that was lined with posters detailing the names and faces of all the chimps in the sanctuary, and telling their stories. The conservancy tries to maintain low numbers and discourage the chimps from breeding by using contraceptives. Sometimes birth control has not worked, resulting in unplanned for infants. A delightful but expensive affair. It costs USD4000 to care for one chimp per year and a lot of this money is raised through donations.

If you are curious to meet our cousins, the chimps, make your way over to Laikipia for a sure treat! If you can, donate towards the care and protection of these clever creatures.

Let’s meet on the next adventure!

Ol Pejeta: A Unique Wildlife Conservancy (Part 1)

Our welcoming party, the Buffalos

I enjoy a game drive as much as the next person, though this form of travel was only practically introduced to me by my husband. Being Kenyan, it’s slightly embarrassing to say that my very first wildlife safari was not to our world famous Maasai Mara. No, it was in Zambia, specifically South Luangwa. You might wonder why a Kenyan would ignore a coveted safari destination for a less known location. Well, it so happened that I was on a short visit to Malawi. A long weekend presented itself because in Malawi, Mother’s Day is taken seriously. So much so that it is a public holiday.

A sneak peek of our campsite in Nanyuki

It created the perfect opportunity for a road trip across the boarder to explore what the neighbours had to offer, a lot I might add. Since then, I added Maasai Mara to my bucket list, ticked it and added a few more parks to my belt. Am I up for a short trip to the Amboseli in the next few weeks? Sure, elephants are some of the most awe-inspiring animals to watch when they are not trying to attack you. The sheer size of them largely contradicts the sense of calm with which they move. It’s also endearing to observe their tendency to move in numbers…strong family values, methinks.

What does all this have to do with Ol Pejeta? Well, that’s the park I visited on the last day of 2021. On a mildly chilly New Year’s eve, we awoke at the crack of dawn and groggily piled into the car to make a short trip to Ol Pejeta. Having set up camp in Nanyuki, it wouldn’t be a long trip. We arrived so early that the booking office was not even open so the guard took our registration details to make sure we paid on the way out.

A misty, Ol Pejeta sunrise

The upside to starting really early is you get a few treats for your effort…for us it was misty morning glow with the sun rising in the background. An adorable young Jackal seemed to lead the way, as if to say “Welcome friends, I’ve been waiting for you!’’ She tagged along the first stretch of our trip, stopping every so often to make sure we were still on track!

Ms Jackal making sure we’re still on her trail

Driving ourselves through the park was a novelty. It’s common to get a package deal that includes an experienced driver/guide but for a change we chose to venture out on our own. Our designated driver, Tommy, was up to the task. He drove us around for most of the road trip. The rest of us could relax and really enjoy the scenery and every once in a while, we’d stop for a better view or to take a photo. I enjoy capturing moments in general through photographs. It’s a way to lock beautiful, simple and sometimes ordinary moments into a time capsule. In the wee hours of the morning and generally in the wild it’s easy to spot the herbivores, the prey. So we saw giraffes, buffalos and an antelope that was quite the stunner and certain of it! He gave us supermodel poses making sure we captured the perfect angles and the lighting was just right!

Mr Impala, a certified supermodel

You might wonder what the difference is between antelopes and gazelles, like I did for a while. Gazelles are the smaller species of the Antelope family, in size to be specific. So all gazelles are antelopes but not all antelopes are gazelles. The Impala pictured above is an antelope. Impala are naturally graceful animals, with the males featuring elegantly curved, spiraled horns perfectly capable of causing harm to a fellow male during a fight. They are also a polygamous lot, herding female impalas while jealously protecting them from potential foes. They are really fast fleet runners, they leap in the air while in motion and can reach 33 feet in one leap.

Mama elephant and her mimi-me

At some point on our leisurely drive in search of interesting activities in the wild, we saw an elephant mom and her calf trudging along behind her. She hesitated for a short while before deciding to continue on her journey. No mere humans were going to stop her morning stroll. We on the other hand were both fascinated and frightful. 'We' actually refers most to me.

Having heard tales of their distaste for cars blocking the way I wasn’t sure what to expect as they drew closer. We stayed quiet as the little mice we must’ve surely looked like to this giant creature. Although I’ve heard and not sure if the rumors are true, that elephants see us humans as cute in the way that we view pets like cats and dogs. I hope that’s mildly true!

As we held our breaths, our eyes transfixed on these mighty beauties, they leisurely walked past us. When they were really close to the car mama paused and turned ever so slightly to inspect the car and its occupants. In our mild state of distraction, we hardly noticed little kiddo shift past her from behind and walk on. As soon as she realized her babe was safe, she moved along leaving us to finally catch our breathe and exchange our versions of the event. That’s the closest any of us had ever been to an elephant…so we thought.

Join me next week for part 2 of the Ol Pejeta adventure!

A Quintessential Treasure Trove of African Art and Culture

A side view of the African Heritage House

In early December, my landlady and housemate suggested a daytrip to Alan Donovan’s famous African Heritage House. Being an avid fan of arts and culture, I quickly agreed to join her on this adventure with little to no expectation. What was to follow was an enlightening journey through the history of our ancestors and their neighbours, near and far.

His passing had just been announced on the news and she had been meaning to visit the house for a very long time. Although it would have been best done earlier, this was a little nudge to do it already. Alan Donovan was an American who fell deeply in love with African Art, Culture and Heritage. He soon became a collector of sculptures, paintings, textiles and jewellery from tribes all around the continent. Later he met and partnered with a fellow African art enthusiast and Kenya’s 2nd Vice-President, Joseph Murumbi (whose personal collection now graces the walls and floors of the Nairobi Gallery). Donovan and Murumbi then opened the African Heritage Gallery in Nairobi’s central business district, which also consisted of a restaurant and library, and was located where I&M bank sits now. Thoughts of such a nostalgic time in our capital’s history cause a tinge of desiderium…if only we could time travel.

If you haven’t heard about this elegantly domineering ode to the mud house mosques of old Timbuktu architecture, it is yet likely that you’ve seen a photograph of it or one taken within its walls. The African Heritage House is famed as the continent’s most photographed house! From gracing magazine covers far and wide, featuring in news articles, to serving as a set for models and photographers.

In fact, the first time I recall hearing of this house was on the pages of a magazine article that was calling for its preservation as a national monument. At the time, the SGR project threatened to rip this unique building from its roots, with claims that it sat on land meant for the expansion of the railroad. Now the house is in full view for passengers aboard trains as they roll by, reminding them of the history and splendour packed in this magnificent piece of architecture.

Finding the house was a bit of an exercise, what with the ongoing road construction of the Nairobi Expressway and it’s rather confusing diversions. We took a wrong turn or two along the way and had to ask some of the locals for directions. Though it first didn’t seem obvious to them what we were looking for, they soon pointed to a narrow path that led to the famed house.

On arrival, we found a big open lot and you could already see the back of the house. Before it, a little walkway lined with walls donned in stark geometric patterns. It didn’t seem like a busy day for guests but you could see some of the staff around the compound. Maybe it was the knowledge of his recent passing that created a sort of somber mood and made the place feel a little empty and quiet.

After a cup of tea, we were introduced to our guide for the day. A tall, slim lady in ripped skinny jeans, an Ankara shirt and a matching square-shaped cap. She had a rather large portable radio hooked under her arm, which I found quite curious. It made sense when she pressed play and the cassette tape revived an image of Mr. Donovan through his calm and raspy voice as he describes the surroundings. We later learned that he would personally give the tour to guests, but as he got older and of ill-health it made sense to have a back up plan.

The tour begins at the pool-house lined with sculptures by a variety of renowned African artists, pioneers like Francis Nnagenda (Uganda) and the Kenyan sculptor-extraordinaire, Magdalene Odundo, whose pottery I can only dream of owning one day. Artists who were at the dawn of their careers in a newly independent Kenya and in whose work we catch glimpses of a time passed.

Francis Nnagenda’s striking art piece

Facing the pool is a monumental wooden sculpture by Francis Nnagenda himself, it grabs your attention not only because of how massive it is but the slightly exaggerated way in which he carves the human form. Inside the washroom are framed paintings by the father of Tinga Tinga art, Edward Saidi of Tanzania. They are characteristically colourful and playful, creating an artmosphere of sunny exuberance.

Next stop: We marvel at the face of African Heritage House, overlooking the National Park. We soon find out that in the early years, herds of wildebeest would carpet the grounds ahead and create an epic view. Over time, fewer wild animals got close to the house, especially as the surrounding area was developed into residential flats and the railway line was built.

Before entering the house caped with vibrant, blossoming bougainvillea bushes of multiple colours, we make a quick stop at this stunning 'umbrella tree'. It’s the perfect spot to escape the harsh sun rays quite common in areas like Mlolongo. It’s not only a very shady tree, but its branches curve downwards almost touching the ground.

We take a few pictures at the entrance, and start the house tour. The living area is a maximalist style, the kind of house you would expect an art collector to have. Every nook and cranny is an opportunity to display furniture, a photograph, distinctive traditional beads and jewellery. There is even a glass cabinet that contains little gold pendants.

The most fascinating thing about taking a mini-tour of Africa through this house, is the sheer diversity in tastes, colours and textures that inhabit this continent. Influences that crossed borders and others that were shipped in, altered over time to fit the new owner’s aesthetic! A thought that continued to recur in my mind is how sad it is that we hardly learn about these aspects of our heritage. How people lived, dressed, ate and adorned themselves before us. Before colonialism.

A bourgainvillea capture with our guide for the day

The paintings and photographs on the walls are an impressive archive of fashionable bead wear, unusual art canvasses and stories of what was considered beautiful in one culture as opposed to another. Like a Ghanaian carving of a voluptuous woman on her wedding day, our guide even made a joke about how low our chances of getting a husband would have been in that time and place. I felt so inspired to create my own wear, and imagined what a haven of inspiration spaces like these could be for creative people, especially visual artists, fashion designers and even story tellers.

The house also featured a Swahili style, indoor garden like the ones you would see in Lamu; and the bedrooms (available for homestays) represent different communities. My favorite was the Swahili room and its bathroom with cute little curved coves, like little windows for placing your shower gel and such. I won’t tell too much because it’s a lot more gratifying to see it yourself.

Our history is so rich, we owe it to ourselves to learn as much as we can about it and find pieces of the puzzle that makes us unique, beautiful and intriguing. I highly recommend a visit to the African Heritage House (as I look for a gap in my calendar to finally visit the Nairobi Gallery).

I’ll be back here to tell you all about it!

Out With The Old, In With The New!

Early days of 2022, at Ol Pejeta Conservancy

I’ll start off with an emphatic 'Happy New Year' to you all! I hope it began on a good note and you are fired up for all that 2022 has to offer.

Every new year, we’re flooded with narratives of people turning their lives around: new gym memberships; promises of getting into healthier eating habits; and plans to focus on overall wellness and self-care. Phrases like “New year, new me!” float around social media generating pressure to join in and make massive shifts to our lifestyles.

Yet outside of the demands to evolve each new calendar year, there is something of a clean slate, a new beginning that January brings. It's a great time to reflect on what has been, what is going well and what needs to change. That way we strive for happier, more wholesome and fulfilling lives in our own unique ways.

I found myself in a very reflective mood in the last quarte of 2021. It dawned on me that I was lifting off a hungover from the pandemic, and all the ways it altered our lives. So many shifts had occurred in such a short time that I was left a little out of sorts, somewhat groping in the dark.

There was and continues to be a polarity in the last 2 years for many of us, we had to adapt to new, unchartered territory and still keep our heads above water. This period has led a lot of people to their true authentic path whilst leaving others lost and searching for meaning in their lives. There were numerous conversations around wellness: mental, physical and even spiritual. We were seeking balance in a world that seemed a little off kilter. And after months of adjusting many of us have found a new normal, a middle ground in which to stabilise, restructure and even thrive!

The last weeks of 2021 were spent in an ideal way for me. Out of the city and its fast pace to a much slower, more mindful space. My husband and I sought refuge at our friend’s house on a hill, overlooking the hauntingly beautiful Lake Naivasha. It was a lucky break and a good time to go within, to reflect on the year that had been. We later took a road trip that involved visiting my parents at their farm and meeting my adorable nieces; to exploring parts of this magnificent country that I hadn’t seen before. By the time we were crossing over to 2022, I felt rejuvenated, clear and ready for a new start!

We’re inching towards the last week of January now and I can say that my enthusiasm for this year remains. I have made practical changes that I hope to maintain throughout the year and one of my priorities is to do what truly matters. Keep it simple and be open to changing my mind when things don’t serve me but are pegged on external influences. To focus on that which adds value to me and those around me. Be it family and friends, you the reader or anyone I meet in the humdrum of life!

I wish you all a fantastic 2022 and hope you can continue to be a part of my year as we explore, learn and grow together. May you start with yourself so you have enough in your cup to pour into others ♥.

Goodbye, 2020!

sunset image by yours truly

Reflecting on the year that has been

The year 2020 has been one for the books! A lot of us started it bright-eyed, with big plans, hopes and dreams. I remember the Kilifi New Year’s eve festival like it was yesterday, walking along colourful curated paths, teeming with eager partygoers, a mishmash of 9-5ers, creative types and edgy fashionistas. No masks in sight, no care in the world. And yet, it feels like years have passed since the end of 2019. That’s been the paradox of this pandemic year. While so much has happened within the span of 12 months, the majority of it was spent indoors, eyes glued to screens.

Most people started working from home, a novel idea before this year began, others lost their jobs and had to create new ones. We were all adapting to a new normal: zoom meetings, zoom workouts, zoom catchups with family and friends. Zoom had a great year!

On the world stage, paradigm-shifting events took place while a majority of the population watched and reacted through the little gadgets that have become a vital part of our day to day life. The Black Lives Matter movement got centre stage when news would flood our TV screens, social media sites and conversations with friends. Police brutality was playing out in our own backyards along with stories of the struggles that would be birthed by the sudden economic shutdown. Restaurants closed, and so did businesses. Others found opportunities to create solutions and made millions within months. One man’s meat is another one’s poison they say.

We all paid attention to what different countries were doing to contain the pandemic. We took notes and copy-pasted what we saw happening miles away. We compared others’ response to the Covid19 pandemic to our own. Some of us passed judgement while others were commended for their swift and successful flattening of the curve. We learnt terms like ‘flattening the curve.

By mid-March the majority of airline transport was on a standstill, ticket prices shot up as we’ve never seen before. And a lot of us got into a state of panic! Toilet paper ran out of shelves, a most peculiar choice of emergency item to stock in an ‘end-of-the-world’ scenario.

Inhale the future, exhale the past. - Anonymous

When I picture myself decades from now, a well-travelled grandma with a belt of adventure stories from my youth, I imagine that 2020 will feature among the most significant years of my lifetime. It might be the same for many people out there. If anything has brought the world to a halt, nothing in my memory compares to this year and the covid19 pandemic.

Now we're moving on to a new year, 2021, and it’s wonderful to look forward with hope and enthusiasm for what’s to come. The biggest lesson I came out of 2020 with, was to be the captain of my ship. While taking all the precautions possible to ensure a safe and pleasant journey, it’s wise to know what to do in the event of a storm. What I plan to do is keep my hands on the wheel no matter what! I hope you do too!

Adios 2020! You’ve been quite the teacher.

*published ex post facto

Podcasts Worth Listening To!

Photo by Juja Han on Unsplash

Podcasts are one of the newest kids on the block when it comes to entertainment, informative content and news. They started out as an underground world. Amateur radio where individuals could create and curate audio content independent of a media house, and distribute it online or in mp3 format.

While podcasts and podcasting have gained global popularity in the last few years, some of the earliest ones trace back to the 80s! Way back when they were described as ‘audioblogging’.

According to the Interwebs, the term ‘podcasting’ was coined by Ben Hammersley, a writer for The Guardian in a 2004 article on the emergence of an ‘audible revolution’. But the advent of podcasting is often credited to Dave Winer, a software developer who helped develop RSS (Really Simple Syndication) and used it for his audio show, Morning Coffee Notes. Ironically, Adam Curry, a former MTV Video Jockey started his show, Daily Source Code, a day after Dave Miner and popularised the art of podcasting, earning him the title ‘Podfather’. So technically Adam was not the first podcaster but the first popular one…oh well! C’est la vie.

September 30, marks international podcast day, a worldwide celebration of the power of podcasts. In this blog I share some of my favourite podcasts, the ones I listen to while brewing tea in the morning, making an elaborate dinner or winding down at the end of a long day. A lot of people are now listening to podcasts on their daily run, during long commutes to work and on an easy Sunday afternoon. If you’re an avid listener like myself, I’m sure you’re always looking for new ones to catch up on.

Just like with movies, books and games, we all have certain genres that we tend to lean more towards. My favourites fall in the Society, Culture and History categories with a sprinkle of Psychology and Philosophy. I’m open to other genres like comedy and so on with the exception of scary stuff. No interest in that at all.

Let’s get to it! Besides my own, ‘Square Pegs Podcast’, here are some of my go-to podcasts at the moment and some that I’ve followed for a long while.

1. Revisionist History

This was essentially the first podcast I listened to regularly, and that was only about 3 years ago. Not my first interaction with podcasts in general but this was when I finally found my niche!

Malcolm Gladwell is one of those journalists with extraordinary storytelling skills, he also has this innate ability to dig into the depths of anything and everything. He introduces you to new perspectives on ideas you would sometimes not consider turning inside out and upside down. As the title goes, revisionist history is a series of episodes where Malcolm reinterprets events, people and ideas ‘overlooked and misunderstood’.

He is beautifully descriptive when he paints a picture of the scenes, past and present, and takes you through his process and thoughts as he explores these pieces from the past. His voice adds texture and intrigue as he lures you into the different worlds he revisits in history.

My favourite is the very first episode of season 1, ‘The Lady Vanishes’. If you listen to the first episode of the ‘F Word Series’ you might understand why! You can find 35 episodes of Revisionist History on YouTube and other platforms. It is currently on it’s fifth season.

2. Hidden Brain

Hidden Brain is available on NPR and easy to play online. The host, Shankar Vedantam, combines storytelling and science while interviewing experts in different fields, to explain human behaviour and patterns. He explores ideas like how people learn and what makes them tick, how environment and nurture play a role in who we become or potentially evolve into.

It is a captivating podcast that I find myself going back to and if you like to binge-listen, there are enough episodes to keep you busy for a long while.

3. Cautionary Tales

Cautionary Tales is a relatively new podcast series that takes us back to major and minor events in the past, stories of old, and their lessons which we can apply to everyday life.

Tim Hafford does a great narration that feels a little bit like Storytime by the campfire.

4. Sugar Calling

A New York Times Podcast hosted by Cheryl Blume, where she speaks with iconic personalities in a conversational style interview. It started around April when lockdown was in full gear in most countries around the world. Some of her most notable guests include Margaret Atwood, Alice Walker and George Sanders.

Cheryl has a very warm and calm voice that makes her guests comfortable enough to share parts of themselves that would likely not come out in your average interview. You feel like a fly on the wall listening to a conversation between friends.

5. Where Should We Begin

Esther Perel first emerged (for most people) through a Ted Talk, Rethinking Infidelity in which she has a rather controversial take on infidelity. She is a relationship therapist and on this podcast she gives a different couple a therapy session, for an episode each.

It deals with different issues that couples face and in every episode you’ll find something that relates to your own experience or opens you up to other perspectives. If you find therapy expensive, this is the cheapest it can get. It’s absolutely free and well worth your time.

Esther is wise and has a way of illuminating some of our most complex emotions and tendencies making them more digestible. It helps the couple and listeners to look deeper into themselves and see others’ point of view.

6. Small Doses

I first saw Amanda Seales, the creator and host of Small Doses, on a CNN interview about catcalling. It was a debate on a ‘social experiment’ video that went viral. Smart as a whip and with a lashing tongue smoothed over by her sense of humour, she made some strong points against a male guest who seemed to think women should be flattered when catcalled.

An encounter with her (even just on the screen) leaves you intrigued and curious for more of her take on things. She’s bold and takes on controversial, sometimes sensitive subjects like race in America, more specifically, the experience of black people in America. Her popularity soared when she joined the American daytime show ‘The Real’ hosted by four women of colour and was always unabashed in her opinion. This stirred hatred and adoration in equal measure among the fans of the show.

Her podcast Series, Small Doses, is based off a book she wrote by the same title and serves up a healthy dose of humour, intellect, reflections and strong opinions that you’re welcome to agree or disagree with.

7. The Marie Forleo Podcast

Bubbly, fun, smart and multi-talented Marie Forleo would not be left out of the new trend of podcasting. She the kind of person who will not do just one thing, she’ll try everything.

Marie Forleo is an entrepreneur with a background in dance and runs a Business School where she teaches entrepreneurs, young and old, how to navigate the murky waters of entrepreneurship. She believes that everyone has a special gift that they can share with the world and encourages her listeners to be the best they can be at what they do.

Oprah describes her as ‘the thought leader for the next generation’ so you know she’s the real deal!

8. Dying for Sex

A few months ago, I was listening to Listen Hunnay with Jeannie Mai where she interviewed Nikki Boyer, the cohost of a new podcast series that peaked my curiosity. I just finished the first season and boy was it a roller coaster ride! There’s much more to it than the title gives away.

Dying for sex is a podcast series on Wondery that follows the colourful sexual encounters of a woman in her 40s reimagining her sexuality after learning she is terminally ill. It’s a wild ride as she grapples with the possibility of an early death due to her metastatic breast cancer diagnosis. The intertwining of two taboo subjects, death and a woman’s sexuality take us on a journey of discovery. Molly’s self discovery and the profound lessons that imminent death can bring.

Share some of your favourite podcasts on the comments section, I’m happy to expand my listening list! Also, remember to let me know what you think of the ones I’ve shared here too 😊

Hindsight’s 2020: Lessons I learnt in my 20s

Lessons I learnt in my 20s video

I recently shared a video on YouTube where I talked about the life lessons I learnt in my 20s. That decade was marked by a lot of unraveling and restructuring. I teethed in one thing and bloomed in another, it seemed as though a surprise was always waiting around the corner. The video was a summary, so figured I’d share the little gems collected along the way in greater detail.

Late last year, after moving to a new apartment, an old friend came to visit and catch up. We hadn’t seen each other in a while, so a lot had happened. For some reason, the conversation drifted off to the challenges she was facing and I shared mine even if in retrospect. We laughed to hysterics because all those Kiswahili language lessons, methali (wise sayings) by the wahenga (sages) finally made sense! Not just logically, but you could relate lived experiences to the existence of these proverbs or sayings.

With that said, this blog will be some kind of walk down memory lane. Back to Kiswahili class with all those cryptic statements we had to remember, quote and decipher in exams. Except this time with hindsight.

No regrets: there’s a lesson in every experience

‘Maji yakimwagika, hayazoleki’ = ‘Don’t cry over spilled milk’

You probably will go through some difficult times, it could be in your personal or professional life. Some of these negative experiences might go on for a long period of time because of the choices you make. To stay or to leave. When you finally choose to leave unhealthy spaces don’t beat yourself up for not doing it sooner. You are almost always doing the best you can with what you have.

No point in regretting your choices when you can use them as lessons for future scenarios. It might seem easier said than done but it’s a more productive attitude. By the time you fully recognise your worth, the lesson sticks.

Changing or evolving is a good thing

You’ve probably heard this statement more times than you can count. But clichés are clichés for a reason. The truth is even in times like this with prolonged periods of staying indoors, it starts to feel like life is not moving as fast as it should. As long as you’re living in awareness and making deliberate choices on a daily basis, you’ll notice that things have been shifting. Each day is a little different from the last.

Many people had plans for 2020 that they had to let go of or postpone. A lot had to change as soon as the World Health Organisation announced that Covid-19 was a global pandemic.

As you grow, you learn new things about yourself, your surroundings and you develop new interests. Change comes in different ways, some of them painful others uncomfortable, but often the results are worth the inconvenience. The more invested you are in adding value to yourself, the more you morph into a better version of yourself. So embrace change and make the most of it!

Learn to have difficult conversations

This lesson was further reinforced for me quite recently. I had collaborated with a friend on a project and though parts of the outcome were excellent, the process grew rather unpleasant. After a long period of complete silence from them and my need to address it. It emerged that there were aspects of my method that they essentially disagreed with. Unfortunately, the radio silence created a feeling of hostility from them and bred annoyance on my part. It got me thinking about how important it is to address an issue as soon as it emerges, not waiting too long. This applies to all interactions with people whether romantic, platonic or professional.

Though some might consider this act confrontational, it’s actually just as harmful if not worse to allow it to fester into something more than it actually is. Quite often, confronting a problem sooner than later creates room for discussion and clarity. It helps to build more understanding and find common ground.

As much as it could cause discomfort, it is smarter to sort things out instead of ignoring them, hoping they will go away. It’s also a way to stand up for yourself and manage expectations.

You become more like your parents!

When I was a teenager you could never have convinced me that I would be having a cup of tea several times a day. That getting home from work to make myself a cuppa would be something I would look forward to. Growing up, my parents often had a cup of chai after dinner, and I thought it was the funniest ‘old people’ thing! Fast forward to me trying different recipes and frequenting my friend’s restaurant just to satisfy a craving for his delicious cardamom tea.

Now you will find an assortment of teabags in my kitchen which are a part of my night-time routine. I stock up on fresh ginger and turmeric to make some satisfying, calming Ayurvedic chai too! Just typing this has my mouth watering. Good thing it’s cold outside. I can cosy up to a nice little cuppa with no guilt whatsoever.

Protect your peace of mind and choose happiness

When you find yourself in spaces or among people who steal your joy, make you second-guess your value as a person, or lose sleep. There is no reason why you should waste your time or energy entertaining that. Toxic people and environments are like a cancer that spreads throughout your system, sometimes slowly and anonymously, other times fast and deadly. By the time you are aware of what is happening you are already suffering mentally, physically or emotionally. There is also the side effect of mirroring the behaviour of those around you, lashing out and fostering negative patterns. To look inward and fix your own imperfections and find healing, you have to get out of situations that tend to bring out the worst in you.

There’s a pattern to the madness

When life seems chaotic and there’s no sense to the things happening to you and around you, it’s often difficult to see beyond that point in time.

When you start a career and feel like you’re not exactly where you hope to be, there are pieces of the puzzle missing that you will find along the way. If you make the most of what you have, the loose ends eventually tie up. Skills and experiences that you think will loose value often come in handy when you least expect it. I encourage everyone in their 20s to grab the opportunities that come your way, because you never know when and in what way the payoff will come. It hardly ever gets wasted and is often worth it in the end.

It’s alright to say no

It’s not just OK to say no, it’s often the kinder thing to do. If someone asks you for something, invites you to a party and you’re not keen…find a polite way to say no. If you truly feel incapable of delivering according to expectation, or you’re simply not interested in a proposal be honest about it. Saying no saves not just your time but that of everyone else involved. It cuts a lot of red tape and makes life easier for everyone. So next time you find yourself bending over backwards, getting overwhelmed or falling into old patterns of saying yes even when you don’t mean it, try saying no and see how much lighter your load will be. Then you can focus your time and energy on things that actually matter to you.

Keep the kid in you alive

We all have that part of us that remains childlike, not to be confused with childish. That innocent, sweet, honest(even to a fault) part of us that hasn’t been tainted by the ‘big bad world’. The part of us that sings in the shower, dances around the house, finds joy in cute little things like ladybirds and pretty flowers unexpectedly popping out of a rugged bush. That innate child in us, I find is where the true depth of happiness, vulnerability and peace reside. Getting older does not mean loosing that colour, curiosity and sense of adventure. I had lost my inner child for a little while and boy did I miss her!

“Be fearless in the pursuit of what sets your soul on fire”

— Jennifer Lee

Do it afraid

Kupoteza njia ndio kujua njia= Practise makes perfect

Anything you can or would do given the chance is worth a shot. Even if you are scared of failure, or not being as good as others in the same field you have to start. You owe it to yourself to find out if it’s worth your while, and the only way to know for sure is if you give it everything you’ve got. A lot of people who have done notable things in the world started from zero. They had to be beginners, before they became gurus. So be graceful towards yourself, even if you fall flat on your face you’ll be proud of the fact that you tried.

If you choose to pursue something else, there won’t be a nagging question in your mind of ‘what if’. You’ll know that you gave it your best shot and it’s okay to let it go. But there’s a good chance that it will lead to a path far greater than you could have ever imagined and all you had to do was start.

These are some of the lessons I learnt which could shed some light for those who are still trying to figure out this wonderful thing called life. I would be lying if I said that you ever truly figure it all out. But you do get better and you know more as time goes by. 'Kuishi kwingi ni kuona mengi’ (experience comes with age/time)

Share some of the lessons you have learnt so far, be it in your teens, 20s, 30s, 40s and proverbs, sayings or methali that made sense to you as you grew older! Many of these lessons are universal and we all learn them at different points in our lives.

Here’s to growth in the journey called life! 🥂

Most Notable Books in My Library

Photo by Aliis Sinisalu on Unsplash

What are you reading during this pandemic season?

I’ve been a sucker for books for as long as I can remember! In fact, I was so obsessed with words when I was younger, I would read anything and everything in sight! Growing up, my dad worked as a lecturer at a Kenyan parastatal. All of our neighbours were colleagues and lived in a huge compound at the edge of Karura forest housing over a hundred homes. We co-existed with monkeys, often peacefully and sometimes not so much. It was a pretty serene and sheltered childhood.

When we got sick, we would go to the dispensary or what my dad often referred to as ‘The Infirmary’. It was either a 15-minute walk or 10-minute drive away from home. At the Infirmary, they stuck little posters on the notice board describing the symptoms of different ailments or chronic illnesses with tips on care or how to prevent them. They also had those basic ones that teach hand hygiene and that sort of thing. While waiting to see the doctor, I would read every single one! It might have fed the mild hypochondriac tendencies I’m sometimes accused of exhibiting.

Since childhood, I was really drawn to fiction and would read most genres except the scary ones. Anything from comic books, to murder mysteries and law fiction novels! I was a huge fan of ‘Nancy Drew’, read all the ‘Sweet Valley’ series and at some point I read all the books I could find by John Grisham. Every Sunday morning I would knock on my parent’s bedroom door for money to go and buy the newspaper. I read the Comic section (including Modesty Blaise which I had absolutely no business reading), and my two favourite features: ‘Surgeons Diary’; and ‘Whispers’ by the late Wahome Mutahi. In a sense, books have raised me, influenced my way of thinking and how I process information. But they were also great to give a little break to those around me as I was a really inquisitive child!

I’ve stayed loving books even though I don’t run through as many as I used to when I was younger. I’d like to think that it’s because I take more time to really immerse myself in the story, and because my library has diversified even more, to include non-fictional books. Quality over quantity, right?

So my fellow book lovers, I thought I’d share some of my all-time favourites. This list is not exhaustive!

My All-Time Favourite Books (so far…)

1. Born a Crime - Trevor Noah

   Reading this memoir was like sitting with Trevor over a cup of tea as he recounts tales of his childhood! It really feels like he’s having a conversation with you, and being the comedian that he is, he gets you bursting out in laughter, even in public places! Embarrassing yourself.

2. Americanah – Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

   I’ve often heard of and even read about the sometimes icy, other times conflicted relations between Africans in America and African Americans. It was even addressed on a scene in the Box Office hit, Black Panther. Different people have their own theories about why the two hardly seem to get along. In this book, Chimamanda explores this and other ways that African Americans and their complexities can be rather perplexing to an African, through the eyes of a character who is bold, intelligent and articulate without seeming condescending.

3. Paulo Coelho – The Alchemist

   I hadn’t really enjoyed reading a book in a long time, by the time I got this copy. It was very timely as it spoke of things that I needed to hear at that point! Paulo’s style is reminiscent of old tales that contain mysticism and magic while speaking to human emotion and experience, self-discovery and chasing your dreams! Hardly the kind of book you read once!

   3.5 Notable mention: More recently, I read The Prophet’ by Khalil Gibran, and it was a sort of similar experience with lots of lessons on how to navigate this ride called life.

4. Kite Runner

5. A Thousand Splendid Suns

6. And the Mountains Echoed – Khaled Hosseini

   Khaled has that ancient gift of storytelling that very few people in a lifetime possess. He weaves tales so layered but with such simple beauty that you can’t help but be in awe of his superpower. His particular strength is in building characters you get so attached to, you root for, and are heartbroken when they don’t seem to win. After reading these 3 books, I bet there’s nothing he would write that I will not be utterly enthralled by.

7. London Cape Town Joburg – Zukiswa Wanner

   I did an African Literature class in university and was very fascinated by books about South Africa and Lusophone countries like Angola. Though South Africa had a similar history as far as being colonised by the British (and in their case, the Dutch) the stories, culture and experiences seemed very different from those I was familiar with reading about (mostly East Africa and Anglophone West Africa). This book is a trip through the different cities in a way that lets you explore South Africa and weave the tapestry of its people, culture, and the prints left behind by its colonial history.

8. Home Stretch – Velma Pollard

   Most of us love a good road trip, and if anyone has created that experience in a book, it’s Velma Pollard! This might actually fit at the top of this list for me because I’ve read it about six times already! I was introduced to this gem in high school, it was one of those alternative set books for high school literature class. I have hardly put it down since. It was also how I first read a book by a writer from the Caribbean. Velma Pollard showcases all the different sides of Jamaica through some of my favourite things: people, food, music, culture, language and nature! One of it’s side-effects was that I wanted to learn to speak ‘Patois’. It’s really one of those underrated books that everyone should read at least once!

I’d love to hear about yours too, so please comment below and share why you love the ones you do!

Every Voice Counts in the Quest for Social Justice

Photo, courtesy of Thomas de LUZE on Unsplash

The last few weeks have been dominated by news of racism in America, specifically the extrajudicial killings of black people by the police. If you, like many of us, find yourself scrolling through social media on a daily basis, you’ve probably noticed how this narrative has overtaken all others. The video that captured George Floyd’s last breathe started a wave that has reverberated throughout the globe. This chain of events triggered protests around the world starting conversations that have been on the hush for too long. While the ‘Black Lives Matter’ movement started in the US, it has created room for conversations about similar incidences in various local contexts.

In Kenya, we have witnessed and often protested against extrajudicial killings by the police. In this context, the victims of police brutality are often from a low socioeconomic class. While the rest of the world lent their voices to the fight against racism in America, they also talked about the way racism played out in their own backyards. In Nairobi, protests were organised by different groups including the US embassy. The outcry was as much against police brutality in our own soil as it was about what was happening thousands of miles away.

The Kenyan government had declared a curfew as a response to the Covid-19 pandemic. While the intention of this was to ensure the health and safety of Kenyans, it posed a new threat for those who were to make the mistake of being caught outside after hours.

As the narrative against racism in America gained momentum, I was surprised to find online criticism of Kenyans who chose to share their views on the Black Lives Matter movement. It appeared to be based on the assumption that they were quick to speak against injustices elsewhere while being completely silent about what was happening in our own country. And though there’s a correlation between police brutality in Kenya and in America, the distinction is also very clear. The excessive force used against black people in America is largely based on their skin colour. They are almost 3 times as likely to be killed during police encounters than their white counterparts, according to a New York Times article.

We certainly need to worry about and speak out against police brutality in Kenya, there have been fatalities linked to enforcement of the curfew, as Citizen TV among other local and international news platforms have reported. The killings here have nothing to do with race, rather, they are more influenced by socioeconomic factors. It is completely OK to speak out against either or both.

“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.”

— Martin Luther King Jr. via Goodreads.com

Throughout history, movements that fought for the rights of the marginalised got their fuel from allies who empathised with their plight and wanted to be part of the change. To do their part in getting rid of the status quo. Whether it was the civil rights movement in America, the fight against apartheid in South Africa or Women’s marches demanding equal treatment for all genders. Every movement that seeks to make the world a better place often only gains traction when supported by those who are not directly affected, but recognise that oppression is wrong no matter where or to whom it is directed.

Charity does indeed begin at home, but we would be remiss if we do not acknowledge the deep sense of connectedness that technology along with frequency and ease of travel have shaped. Dismantling racism and racial bias will be beneficial to us all. We can play a part and say our piece on global matters as well as local ones. It is up to the individual to choose when and how to speak out without being ‘policed’. While it is highly recommended that each one does their part in ensuring that we all live in a just and fair world, if you find yourself getting bothered by what someone decides to give their attention to, remember to keep playing your part. Standing for what you believe in. When you are taking action towards improving or reducing the injustices that matter to you, it is more likely that others will take note and join in.

As we continue to find our voices…remember, making a difference comes in many ways, some are activists and speak out loud and proud against injustices. Others do it in more subtle, incremental ways by practicing what they would hope for in a better world. It all adds up in the end. All little drops that make an ocean.

Awkward Emoji Encounters and Why Representation Matters

Which coffee do you rep?

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Let’s talk about emojis! 😏

How do you use emojis? Do you pay particular attention to their meaning…or do you just wing it?

Do you use ‘colored’ hands or the default yellow? Does it matter to you? Is it even that deep?…I hear you say.

I’m one of those people who are partial to virtual interactions with friends, family and acquaintances. I much prefer the good old face to face (with a cup of tea or a glass of wine) conversations. They are easier to handle and reduce the chance of: misconstruing the meaning behind someone’s words; or develop passive aggression because you feel misunderstood. There is also less room for overthinking. If you tend to let thoughts marinate, turn them inside out and upside down in your mind…it can sometimes take very little to jump to the wrong conclusions. Granted, in-person interactions don’t always go as smoothly as the picture I am painting here, but at least you have more than one communication style to work with. If you get offended, you’ll probably make a face that the other person can read and react to appropriately.

In the last 2 years I’ve had a few odd, sometimes uncomfortable digital conversations with people based on the emojis they chose to use and it got me thinking. How do these cute, seemingly harmless symbols affect our day to day interactions?

The very first time I had one of these cringe-worthy moments was while visiting my partner in Malawi. I would often be around the expat community (which happened to be mostly white). Isn’t it odd that while writing this it felt awkward to call people white or point to their ‘race’? I put it in quotes because race is a social construct that has often been used to harm or exploit others. I digress.

A lady I shared mutual friends with was planning a trip to Kenya for the first time and was curious about where to go and what to do for fun. We exchanged numbers so I could give her tips on the music and arts scene. When you are a minority in social circles, there’s a tendency to want to paint the best picture of where you’re from. If I was to have anything to do with her experience in Kenya, it would need to be good! When I sent her a quick message so she could save my number, she replied with a ‘like’ emoji in the darkest skin tone. I’m not exaggerating when I say I got a mental whiplash reading that message. I was completely dumbfounded!

My first thoughts were: “What’s that supposed to mean? Is she trying to make some point about me being black, because that emoji looks nothing like her actual hand? Is this low-key shade?”

We hardly knew each other so it didn’t occur to me to confront her. Suffice to say, it was an awkward experience and I was appalled by that interaction. We hardly spoke after the incident.

Fast forward to more than a year later. As history tends to repeat itself, a similar thing happens. While texting back and forth with another (white) acquaintance it is quickly apparent that she only uses the light brown emoji, the second darkest tone. The difference this time, was that we had built a rapport. So naturally, the first time I noticed it I figured it was some kind of mistake. Maybe involuntarily selected or simply done out of ignorance. When it happened a few more times it started to bother me. I decided to address it from a place of curiosity whilst wanting to open up a conversation on this sort of thing. If indeed it was an honest mistake, I was keen to shed some light on how that could be perceived by people who deliberately use emojis that represent them.

It started off really well. An open discussion. She had no problem hearing me out and I was interested in her perspective. When the reason for using said emojis was, ‘it just doesn’t matter or mean anything’ that hit a nerve.

At this point I’m going to throw a caveat and mention that a friend of mine, a Kenyan of African descent uses the lightest (read white) hand emoji when texting. So I’m well aware of how this has varied degrees of relevance to different people. However, that doesn’t mean we should dismiss the value that representation holds for a lot of people. Why would the emoji creator(s) bother to represent human diversity, if not so that people would feel included and find a more authentic representation of themselves?

I remember the first time I noticed the variation of complexions on emoji hands and how excited I was to find one that closely matched my own complexion. It felt really good to relate to something as simple as a drawing. Especially one that has morphed into an integral part of text messaging. Before, everything was neutral and we would all use the yellow hands but now we can personalize our expression even more! Like this one time I was posting an update of my natural hair journey and how delighted I was to find out that there was a curly haired, dark complexioned face. The hair was not just curly but a TWA (teeny weeny afro)! In a sentimental way it validated my existence.

When these ‘little things’ many might take for granted, have an impact on one’s sense of belonging or being part of a larger world. It is rather disconcerting when someone decides that it’s ‘no big deal’ and uses whatever emoji.

As we debated I tried to think of how to explain it in a way that would make sense for those who couldn’t relate to the race argument. At this point I had been keenly observing the evolution of emojis. I noticed that there were now bald emojis in different age ranges and sexes. This could be representative of not just naturally bald people, but those who had become bald as a result of medical conditions like alopecia or as a side effect of chemotherapy. The appearance of these new emojis probably brought joy to people who felt like their unique experience and how it altered their physical appearance was just as valid. They felt seen, and they were not alone.

My attempt at having an enlightening discussion was unsuccessful. It taught me that these sensitive conversations can be quite difficult to navigate. It’s not easy to get to a place of understanding and mutual respect when the someone feels judged or not viewed in the best light. Naturally one might get defensive.

These conversations are necessary as they point out our biases, and we all have them. When we are truly willing to participate and learn from them we will find the opportunity to know better and do better. Only then can we raise our awareness on things that could be far from our reality. Things that affect others who look different from us, come from another background or simply have a lifestyle that’s different from our own. It helps to think of how our actions, big or small, may affect those around us. It’s a little practice in empathy that goes a long way!

Because at the end of the day, representation matters! 🧡